Monday, November 17, 2014

Don't ask me for relationship advice. I'm single for a reason.

At the ripe age of 32 (quickly approaching 33), I'm finding myself in a very interesting place in life. I wake up, go to work, hang out with my dog, and do a lot of traveling. I'm surrounded by many wonderful friends, some of whom are regularly cast in my life, and some who make guest appearances every now and then. Either way, these people are colorful, extremely unique, and they bring so much joy to my life, mainly because our connections are so deeply rooted. We have all experienced each others lives over many years of ups and downs. People have come and gone, but we stick together...

... That being said (chuckle), we all get romantically involved with other like-minded people throughout our unpredictable little lives. Sometimes, though, said people may not be so "like" us, but we see something in them... Something that begs us to pursue the relationship further. We start to get stumped. That's when friends seem to look to me for advice... and I don't know why.

Why isn't it working out?!

Let's make a list:
  1. I'm 32.
  2. I live in a three-bedroom house... with my dog.
  3. I am single.
  4. I don't date.
  5. I prefer Netflix to late-nights at the bar.
  6. Quite frankly, I'm scared of the women out there.
So, based on this very current list, is it safe to conclude that I am in no position to give another human being sound advice on their love life? Maybe the list doesn't provide enough information to truly paint a picture. You might need more insight into my overwhelmingly askew view on dating and happiness in order to judge whether or not I am worthy of guiding you towards a happier co-mingling between you and theeeeee-uhhhh... let's call them Tossers.

I'm calling them "Tossers" because we never really know how long they'll stick around before you end up throwing them to the side.

Okay, so let's make another small list:
  1. I love holding hands.
  2. I love couch time with my other half.
  3. I love planning trips.
  4. ... staying in.
  5. ... cooking together.
  6. ... drinking wine.
  7. ... making short-term goals together.
  8. ... enjoying life as it comes.
I am not ready for marriage, children, sharing bank accounts, or giving you my house for that matter. The idea of marriage scares the crap out of me... Actually, no. Let's clear that up. The idea of jumping into marriage without creating a proper foundation with another person... that infuriates me. If we don't know each other, I am not committing to you for a lifetime. This is all pre-disclosed information, by the way. I never go in under false pretense with the "I'm looking to settle down." rap. So, if we are six months into a relationship and I'm feeling pressure over an engagement ring, we don't belong together. Better yet, if you're raising your voice at me because you "... don't know where this is going.", something is not right, my friend. Any concerns about the relationship can be quietly discussed at home. I'm an open book. This is a diplomacy. We are not on a reality TV show.

Okay! So, we're good? That's me in a nutshell. Now you know why these particular conversations with my friends will never be productive:

Friend: Hey, I need your advice.
Me: Yeah? What's up?
Friend: Me and Tosser just got into a fight.
Me: Oh no. Again? What about? Are you okay?
Friend: Yeah, I'm fine. Same shit. Tosser doesn't like me hanging out with So-And-So... But I've known them forever!
Me: Did you two talk about it?
Friend: Tosser won't talk about it.
Me: You have to or else it will never get resolved.
Friend: I've triiiied! Tosser will not talk.
Me: You have to break up.

Next conversation:

Friend: Hey. Tosser's been texting So-And-So.
Me: The Ex? What about?
Friend: I don't know. I don't think it's anything serious, but it bothers me.
Me: I can understand that. Did you two talk about it?
Friend: No. Tosser doesn't think it's serious enough to talk about.
Me: But Tosser knows it bothers you.
Friend: Yeah. But Tosser brushes it off.
Me: Well, you guys need to sit down and talk about it if it's important to you.
Friend: I've triiiied, but no dice.
Me: You have to break up.

See where I'm going with this? I'm fine being single! I'm the wrong dude to ask about relationships. If your relationship problems are bringing you down, I don't see a problem dumping whoever you're dating. I don't think you need to be with some loser because you don't want to feel lonely. I see my friends as strong individuals who are deeply rooted in an expansive network of friends and family. My answer will, nine times out of ten, be a question.

"Did you guys talk about it?"

If the answer is "No", then fucking talk about it. If that doesn't work, then why the hell are you wasting time with somebody who can't talk to you? You're not an object. You're a complex being with many, many needs and wants. Your significant other should want, at least, a healthy portion of the same things.

I'm not a fucking expert. I'm just a single guy living with his awesome dog. Have a good day, friends.

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