Thursday, May 19, 2011

Lindt & Sprüngli Replied to My Dislike Mail

Hello Internets,

As you may know, I'm appalled by Lindt's recent decision to change their perfect 70% Intense Dark chocolate recipe. It's lacking where the original shined. It's sweeter and dumbed down for the masses. I have to find another brand. If you haven't read my letter to Lindt from May 3, click on the link below:

I was surprised to find an envelope in my mailbox so quickly, but was disappointed in the inevitable reply. My scanner doesn't work with my version of windows, so an iPhone pic will have to suffice. Click on the picture below to enlarge.

They were very cordial and the letter was actually signed by a human. But notice a few subtleties, including
  1. My name is spelled wrong twice... Three times, technically, because it's on the envelope as well.
  2. Apparently, people want their dark chocolate to be less bitter. "Based on consumer results, the new recipe is preferred due to the smoother, less bitter taste." Excuse my frankness, but are you fucking kidding me?! I want my dark chocolate to be exactly that... DARK! This speaks volumes of Lindt and Sprüngli's integrity as a company. Hershey's has been making their signature chocolate bar since 1894. That's 117 years! It's the same damn bar we've been eating since childhood. And if you've been stricken with the unfortunate curse of being 117 years old, you can still find solace in the fact that your favorite candy bar is just a hop, skip and jump.... oh who am I kidding? It'll take someone that old 45 minutes to walk two city blocks to get chocolate from a convenience store... Number 3!!!
  3. They sent me a coupon to buy more of their stupid chocolate. But in order to receive a free bar, I have to buy another one of their dumb chocolate bars. They recommended I try their other bars, including 85% and 90%. They assumed that I haven't already. It's been a trial over years and years trying to find the chocolate that makes me melt. It's the closest thing to sex any human can find. Not really, but it adds a dramatic tone.
So, thank you L&S for your stealthy reply and the beautiful coupon. But know this: I am waiting for that day when I open my front door to find a giant 70% Intense Dark Bar with that red satin ribbon wrapped tightly around the corners.


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