Thursday, May 19, 2011

Lindt & Sprüngli Replied to My Dislike Mail

Hello Internets,

As you may know, I'm appalled by Lindt's recent decision to change their perfect 70% Intense Dark chocolate recipe. It's lacking where the original shined. It's sweeter and dumbed down for the masses. I have to find another brand. If you haven't read my letter to Lindt from May 3, click on the link below:

I was surprised to find an envelope in my mailbox so quickly, but was disappointed in the inevitable reply. My scanner doesn't work with my version of windows, so an iPhone pic will have to suffice. Click on the picture below to enlarge.

They were very cordial and the letter was actually signed by a human. But notice a few subtleties, including
  1. My name is spelled wrong twice... Three times, technically, because it's on the envelope as well.
  2. Apparently, people want their dark chocolate to be less bitter. "Based on consumer results, the new recipe is preferred due to the smoother, less bitter taste." Excuse my frankness, but are you fucking kidding me?! I want my dark chocolate to be exactly that... DARK! This speaks volumes of Lindt and Sprüngli's integrity as a company. Hershey's has been making their signature chocolate bar since 1894. That's 117 years! It's the same damn bar we've been eating since childhood. And if you've been stricken with the unfortunate curse of being 117 years old, you can still find solace in the fact that your favorite candy bar is just a hop, skip and jump.... oh who am I kidding? It'll take someone that old 45 minutes to walk two city blocks to get chocolate from a convenience store... Number 3!!!
  3. They sent me a coupon to buy more of their stupid chocolate. But in order to receive a free bar, I have to buy another one of their dumb chocolate bars. They recommended I try their other bars, including 85% and 90%. They assumed that I haven't already. It's been a trial over years and years trying to find the chocolate that makes me melt. It's the closest thing to sex any human can find. Not really, but it adds a dramatic tone.
So, thank you L&S for your stealthy reply and the beautiful coupon. But know this: I am waiting for that day when I open my front door to find a giant 70% Intense Dark Bar with that red satin ribbon wrapped tightly around the corners.


Monday, May 16, 2011

HIIT Made Simple with "Seconds Interval Timer"

So you like to weight train, but you need to incorporate some cardio to burn some extra fat. Like most "weight lifters" or whatever you wanna call us types, I do not want to waste 40 minutes of my day on a treadmill. I need an intense burn. Give me something that will feel excruciatingly painful for a fraction of the time and give me the same result. Here's the answer:

Anyone who has tried programs like Beachbody's Insanity understands the feeling. You burn calories, increase your endurance, annnnnd thennnn you pretty much pass out. It's very rewarding in its own right. Click on the link above to get a deeper understanding of how HIIT works.

Now, say you know the ins and outs already. Here are a couple scenarios:
  1. You are tired of popping in that DVD.
  2. You want to create your own HIIT workouts from scratch.
  3. You're out of town and a DVD player isn't an option.
  4. You hate treadmills and elliptical machines.
Here's one solution for anyone with an iPhone. It's an app called "Seconds." With it, you can customize your workouts in timed increments so you don't have to stop or reset a stopwatch or other timer. At 3 seconds before the next interval, you will get 3 beeps per second, then a long beep that signifies it's time to switch up. Very simple, right? Here's how it looks:

The app is very simple. Customizing workouts is fairly easy and self-explanatory, but it'll take some getting used to. I get a lot of use out of it, mostly every day, so check it out if you want to start making your own workouts. Oh, and you can play your music while working out... an added bonus.


Monday, May 9, 2011

This hurts!

So I'm working out again, but trying to consolidate a couple workouts. It can get really irritating working on 1 or 2 muscles for 45 minutes. So here's an answer for that. I took 2 P90-X workouts (Chest & Back and Legs & Back) and combined them into 1 back-breaker. It's an Excel File, so most of you should be able to read it. I promise the link is safe!


P.S. Enjoy!

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Bizarre Dream Recap - Weird Level: 8

I was at an amusement park in the middle of the ocean. We were on a track that held about 6 boats side-by-side and god knows how many in a line. One minute into the ride, a giant blow-up pirate ship emerges from the water and shoots its canons. My boat falls off the track. I have to swim back to the track while holding my boat... In the middle of the ocean, mind you! Eventually, I'm back on track and get through the whole ride, which included caves and Easter eggs (no connection). The end of the ride leads back to a cruise ship where, for some reason, there is an exact replica of my gallery. My boss and his wife are there and I have a ton of orders to fill. So naturally I start working, when I'm interrupted by 5 teenage girls who proceed to get in a line and flash me. What the hell is going on?! Oh, and don't forget the KGB tattoo that I got at my old elementary school. I don't know what I ate last night.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Dislike Mail to Lindt & Sprüngli Chocolatier

Hello love,

I understand there are more pressing matters in this world than the way my dark chocolate tastes but I'm wondering, SERIOUSLY wondering, why you, Lindt & Sprüngli, Master Chocolatier have found it necessary to change the 70% Intense Dark recipe to the 70% Smooth Dark formula.

Let's start with taste:
  1. The new recipe is inferior. I have tried countless flavors of dark chocolate over many years of my life and always came back to this single conclusion:
  • Lindt 70% Intense Dark is the perfect combination of sweet and bitter. The texture is perfect. It melts in your mouth without the chalkiness other brands offer.
Onto Nutritional Value:
  1. There are 30 more calories per 4 squares in the new recipe.
  2. There are 2 more grams of fat per 4 squares in the new recipe.
  3. There are 4 more grams of carbs per 4 squares in the new recipe.
I work out often and watch what I eat. This changes my routine around a little bit, which doesn't ruin my life, but it all boils down to this:

WHY?! Is it the economy? Are you mad at me, specifically? Is it because I forgot our anniversary? It couldn't be that because we don't HAVE an anniversary! I miss my Intense Dark bars. Please put them back on the shelves. My 2 squares a day are what keep me sane in my health-food lifestyle.

Now understand, I'm not mad at you. I'll always love you, Lindt, so can't we work this out?

Yours always,
Emmanuel Z. Karabetis