Sunday, August 8, 2010

So, many of you may have seen the ridiculous billboard currently posted over the Double TT Diner on Route 40 and Ebenezer Road. It claims that Judgment day will be coming May 21, 2011. I and a few friends went to the website ( to, if for anything, get a quick laugh. It was amusing for a while, then I just got irritated. I contacted them to get my point across. What was my point? I don't really know. Maybe you can tell me:

"To whom it may concern:

I feel that Jesus would be disappointed at the general layout of this website. He would've preferred using a more up-to-date web design program, such as Adobe Fireworks or Dreamweaver, maybe. He was the first man to dabble in web design, you know? You should have some of those flash music players with a snazzy playlist. I think maybe Sade would add a nice touch... a smooth atmosphere (Smooth Operator pun). Perhaps you should consider a warmer tone when it comes to your choice of colors... Maybe something more earthy. I've been watching HGTV a lot lately, and really love their programming. Isn't it fun watching people paint walls with soft colors? Jesus would've liked that. I've included a URL that could help you choose a more suitable color palette for Jesus.

So, what are you doing this summer? Anything good? I just went on vacation to Ocean City. I really did it up this year because next year we'll all be dead. Isn't that awesome? I even brought my dog along. He loves the sand. Jesus loved dogs. I think He had a Saint Bernard. Too bad those dogs have issues in warm weather. I think He should've sprung for a pit bull or maybe a chihuahua, you know; maybe something with less hair that was better-suited for the Mediterranean climate. You remember when He went out to the desert for 40 days? It really wasn't as bad as they made it out to be in the bible. He brought Lucy along. That was His dog's name (short for Lucifer). See, when it was mentioned of the temptations, they were referencing His hardships with the dog. Between the original bible scripts which I keep in a Mead folder next to my leather-bound edition of "The Hobbit" and modern-day translations, a lot has been misinterpreted. You see, when it was mentioned that Lucifer tried to hand Jesus a STONE to turn to bread, it was really Lucy trying to get Him to throw a BONE. She wanted to play fetch. He wasn't really in the mood. And so He said onto her, "Lucy, please stop. C'mon, Lucy. Really? It's too hot right now. Where are you getting all this energy?"

I'll send you a Xerox copy if you would like one, although it's written in Aramaic. I learned to read the language when I was 13. My father picked up a drifter on route 40 named Randall who was fluent in over a dozen languages. He was traveling to South Dakota, hoping to make it in time for the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally. His plans fell through when we took him in for a year. He cooked and cleaned while we provided him with shelter. He was mostly a kind man and loved to play Old Maid, but he had a little bit of a temper at times. It was apparent when we would mention his mother that he had a strange childhood. She had a mustache. Long story short, Randall didn't know how to speak Aramaic. I learned how to speak the ancient tongue on youtube. Jesus loved youtube.

Have you seen any good movies, lately? I watched "Young Frankenstein" while on vacation. I love the way they portray Frankenstein's monster. He's so mischievous and lovable. I have a nice dog who loves Jesus.

Boy, it's getting late. I should be going to bed. I have a photo shoot in the morning. Some people I know want a family portrait to put on their wall so they can sit and stare at it until May 21st, when they die. I hope they smile. Do you like cheese? I could talk to you for hours. Anyway, good night Jesus people.

I love you,

P.S. Who's your favorite Apostle? Mine's Judas."

Have a good night, folks.


  1. You know I love Jesus.
    Not all "Jesus-people" believe what the extremists proclaim. There are extremists in every race, religion, politcal party, age-group, sex, and state and country... They should not ruin inspiration and motivation of others.

    People have let you down your whole life.
    I have let others down and have been let down as well. I choose to believe in the one who makes the sun rise every morning even when it's hidden by the rolling clouds below it's brilliance. I have no faith in people because they have proven failure- selfishness- greed- heartlessness- thoughtlessness- and cruelty.... As have I (regretfully).
    Jesus- died as the perfect sacrfice so that God can look on Him for all our sins instead of us... So we all can go to heaven.
    I understand that you don't want to be told any of this- that's fine- it doesn't work for you... But it does for me and for some others. Try to ignore those extremists who push their beliefs on you- and I'll try to ignore those who make fun of my Jesus.

    "i'd rather live as if there were a God and die to find out there isn't, then to live as if there isn't- and die to find out there is"- anonymous.

  2. --- what gets me about the "Jesus-haters"- is that there are so many other types
    of people to ridiule out there- dog-burners- abusers- alcoholics- terrorist-muslims who caused 9/11- childre rapists--- but for some reason- a Man that live Over 2000 yrs ago- who tried to get people to believe in peace and love for his brother- who never disrespected anyone--- gets kicked in the balls still today.

    You said yourself- you don't know if there is or isn't a God. You DONT KNOW... So y be a hater?
    Dislike the extremists if you have to.

  3. This was directed to these bullshitters. I don't know if they're trying to rob people of their hard-earned money, or just spread lies.

    I was just trying to exploit them and call them out. I knew it may bother some people, but you should know I don't hate religion. I've watched so much TV and seen so many characters based on Satan, God, Jesus, etc. that were merely caricatures created to make us laugh. South Park?! That's what I was trying to do here. I'm sorry if it offended you. I just wanted to speak my mind to these creeps and belittle them as they're attempting to belittle our intelligence through lies and meaningless banter.

  4. I'm sorry if I crossed the line, but I despise these kinds of people.