Sunday, August 8, 2010

So, many of you may have seen the ridiculous billboard currently posted over the Double TT Diner on Route 40 and Ebenezer Road. It claims that Judgment day will be coming May 21, 2011. I and a few friends went to the website ( to, if for anything, get a quick laugh. It was amusing for a while, then I just got irritated. I contacted them to get my point across. What was my point? I don't really know. Maybe you can tell me:

"To whom it may concern:

I feel that Jesus would be disappointed at the general layout of this website. He would've preferred using a more up-to-date web design program, such as Adobe Fireworks or Dreamweaver, maybe. He was the first man to dabble in web design, you know? You should have some of those flash music players with a snazzy playlist. I think maybe Sade would add a nice touch... a smooth atmosphere (Smooth Operator pun). Perhaps you should consider a warmer tone when it comes to your choice of colors... Maybe something more earthy. I've been watching HGTV a lot lately, and really love their programming. Isn't it fun watching people paint walls with soft colors? Jesus would've liked that. I've included a URL that could help you choose a more suitable color palette for Jesus.

So, what are you doing this summer? Anything good? I just went on vacation to Ocean City. I really did it up this year because next year we'll all be dead. Isn't that awesome? I even brought my dog along. He loves the sand. Jesus loved dogs. I think He had a Saint Bernard. Too bad those dogs have issues in warm weather. I think He should've sprung for a pit bull or maybe a chihuahua, you know; maybe something with less hair that was better-suited for the Mediterranean climate. You remember when He went out to the desert for 40 days? It really wasn't as bad as they made it out to be in the bible. He brought Lucy along. That was His dog's name (short for Lucifer). See, when it was mentioned of the temptations, they were referencing His hardships with the dog. Between the original bible scripts which I keep in a Mead folder next to my leather-bound edition of "The Hobbit" and modern-day translations, a lot has been misinterpreted. You see, when it was mentioned that Lucifer tried to hand Jesus a STONE to turn to bread, it was really Lucy trying to get Him to throw a BONE. She wanted to play fetch. He wasn't really in the mood. And so He said onto her, "Lucy, please stop. C'mon, Lucy. Really? It's too hot right now. Where are you getting all this energy?"

I'll send you a Xerox copy if you would like one, although it's written in Aramaic. I learned to read the language when I was 13. My father picked up a drifter on route 40 named Randall who was fluent in over a dozen languages. He was traveling to South Dakota, hoping to make it in time for the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally. His plans fell through when we took him in for a year. He cooked and cleaned while we provided him with shelter. He was mostly a kind man and loved to play Old Maid, but he had a little bit of a temper at times. It was apparent when we would mention his mother that he had a strange childhood. She had a mustache. Long story short, Randall didn't know how to speak Aramaic. I learned how to speak the ancient tongue on youtube. Jesus loved youtube.

Have you seen any good movies, lately? I watched "Young Frankenstein" while on vacation. I love the way they portray Frankenstein's monster. He's so mischievous and lovable. I have a nice dog who loves Jesus.

Boy, it's getting late. I should be going to bed. I have a photo shoot in the morning. Some people I know want a family portrait to put on their wall so they can sit and stare at it until May 21st, when they die. I hope they smile. Do you like cheese? I could talk to you for hours. Anyway, good night Jesus people.

I love you,

P.S. Who's your favorite Apostle? Mine's Judas."

Have a good night, folks.